AM I TOO OLD FOR SPARKLY HOT PANTS?

If you're asking yourself this question, the answer is probably yes...

But what the hell I am going to wear them anyway!

I bought these little beauties on a whim yesterday, as I am going on a rare night out.

Nights out for a while there were a bit of a no no and I must say I am very excited... Maybe a 34 year old mum shouldn't wear these??? But one of the upsides of being Alcohol Free is I have lost a stone of weight - so why not I say... 

So how is going out drinking when not drinking? It's actually pretty good, I have a bit of a ritual in terms of what I drink. I start with a virgin mary and then switch between virgin mojitos and sparkling water. I do find that soft drinks get really boring really quickly. I might have a coke, but I can only drink the one.

The only other major difference is tiredness - there is a moment when conversations gets a tad too repetitive and that my energy just wains - but that's the best bit as then I say my goodbyes and head home as a rule of thumb it is after this moment when people won't remember anything the next morning anyway! (I certainly wouldn't have!)

So should women wear sparkly hot pants? From an age point of view perhaps this is a questionable decision - I am dressing them down with flat boots and a cardie ;-/

Part of me wonders if I am setting myself up for unwanted attention... Well you know what some men are like, clearly if I am wearing these I am sending them a signal that I want them to talk to me and to try to seduce me, I want them to make inappropriate comments. If I am wearing these I am gagging for it... (Plus as I am in my 30's - surely that means I am even more gagging for it)

This is an unfortunate situation, as I want to be silly and wear sparkly hot pants for no other reason than I think they are AMAZING!

So all I can say is long live impulse buys - bugger off annoying men and leave me and my pants to have fun with my friends! x

HAZING... The debate

Working in a University I cannot help worry about the students safety. I know that making mistakes is part of growing up, and by god I have made some. But is it all really a bit out of control??

Is it a necessary element in our evolution as individuals to test ourselves and our limitations? As parents, should we, can we protect our children from the stupidity that youth can bring?

I have been having a long running debate with my students about the 'integration' weekend or hazing event.

The Wiki definition for Hazing is  
'Hazing is the practice of rituals and other activities involving harassment, abuse or humiliation used as a way of initiating a person into a group. Hazing is seen in many different types of social groups, including gangs, sports teams, schools, military units, and fraternities and sororities. Hazing is often prohibited by law and may comprise either physical or psychological abuse. It may also include nudity and/or sexually based offenses.'

Now that doesn't sound like something you want your kids to be doing right?

Now the student's argument is that what they do is not that extreme - that it's harmless fun and it's what the students want, what they ask for...
I have had some questions for them
1. How can they ever trust the limits of people under the influence of alcohol?
2.  How can they justify humiliating each other, taunting each other? Bullying each other?
3. Why would they want to be part of this?

In response to this they try to distance themselves from the bad press of fraternities/sororities and the terrible stories that have come out recently...
I hit them with statistics such as Frat boys are 300% more likely to rape and 1 in 5 women is sexually assaulted in campus The Guardian - September 24th 
They respond again... This is not us (This argument is all too familiar - It wasn't me - It wasn't us.) or the recent report from the University of Virginia New York Times that's America - not Europe.

I then give them some concrete examples of schools in the City, where one boy last year died as he fell out of a window with his feet and his hands bound and HUGE amounts of alcohol in his system. Or a girl from our school who left because she felt so humiliated by what she had done at the integration weekend. The response - We know it's not perfect, but we're responding to a demand. The student's want to be hazed, they love it.

I guess this comes back to the root of the problem, what is going on with our society if this is what our kids want??? Should we as parent's or teacher's be trying to stop these practices?

For me the fundamental issue is this idea that to be part of the gang you have to prove yourself. You have to humiliate yourself to be integrated. This is what surely we should be teaching kids to avoid?
However 'light' the punishment is... for example at our school the students are not allowed to sleep for 24 hours, and if they do they have sheep hearts or dead octopuses smeared in their face - harmless fun :-/
They say that students don't have to go on the integration weekend it is their choice, but if you don't you're directly on the outside of the cool kids - If you go and don't join in - Again you're not included. (Plus they sold 1,000 tickets in under 1hour... so the demand is very high!)
It's not those who are strong and in charge that will suffer, it's those that are weak and vulnerable who will. 

They're away from home, they want to be accepted and liked, to me it seems completely logical that people will do things that they know are wrong, or dangerous or hurtful - Adding to that sleep deprivation and being plastered with alcohol - surely, surely it is a recipe for disaster?

When I asked them this question, were they really sure that there wasn't one person who felt uncomfortable? There wasn't one person who felt it went too far? There wasn't one person who felt pressurized to do something they didn't want to? None of them could convince me. They are extremely loyal to their school - Which is why so often these things are covered up. (University of Virginia...) But I could tell at least 4/5 students in each group agreed with me,  But why would they speak up against their peers??

To end this post I am still questioning my involvement in this debate. As a parent I know I cannot control what my kids do, and I shouldn't. I know through making mistakes and through hardship we learn and develop as people. I know I cannot shelter them from the world (really can't I? It so fun inside?? Yesterday we made pompoms - that's nice and safe...)

The worst part is that I know I was that insecure young person, who did stupid things to impress people, who put myself in dangerous places, who at times was bullied and bullied...
So what can I do so that my kids don't end up like me???

My daughter came home and said one of her 'friends' had said Tu es tetu - we had to look it up in the dictionary as neither of us knew what it meant. The dictionary translation was 'stubborn' or 'headstrong' I told her, you know what M - that isn't such a bad insult to have, better to be headstrong and stick to your beliefs, than to be a follower and just do as your friends tell you.

Phew RebuildingMum 1 - scary world/other kids 0

She's nearly 8 - I AM TERRIFIED of the teenage years...

Do I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol?

I think as a rule of thumb, if you're asking yourself this question - the answer is probably yes.

Whether this revulsion in your own behavior, your understanding and fear of your capabilities leads you to change, can, I think be due to many factors.

Your will, your belief, your support system and acceptance.

I tried to moderate/stop drinking for 4 years before I managed it on the 23rd of March 2014 and not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips since then. How did I manage it? What made the change? I can absolutely hand on heart say that it was finding the website www.soberistas.com . Why was this so life changing? Because I realised I wasn't alone...

To give a brief background of my journey to heavy drinking - and my decision to stop completely - It is a pretty complex story, so I will talk about it further in future posts...
The real catalyst I suppose was the transition from individual to parent. As a young person I was you might say 'fairly wild' or a 'hedonist'. Then at the age of 26 I became a parent and was living in France away from home. Then at 28 I had two children under 2... Then at 30 I had two toddlers, three jobs and a husband who worked away. To compensate with the sheer weight of my day to day life. I started using drink as a comfort. I drank when I was happy, I drank when I was sad. I drank when I was lonely and when I finally left the house to socialise. I was trying to claw back my independence. I was drowning quite literally and I couldn't cope.
By 32 I was smoking heavily again, I was drinking every night - and if I wasn't drinking I was trying not to drink. I would black out, I would wake up and bolt up the stairs to check the children were ok... I would tell myself over and over again that I needed to give up, that I couldn't moderate. That giving up was the only solution - but socially... how could I take the one thing away that I felt defined me???
My family drinks, my husband drinks, I live in France, my friends at home and here are drinkers, I felt isolated enough, I couldn't stop...
In September 2012 I had a severe panic attack. My body was wrecked, I didn't sleep anymore I passed out, I had a full on job, two kids, a husband who loves to drink... I was on the verge of losing it all. The clinical term is BURNOUT.
It took between then and now to put the pieces back together, I started CBT counselling. I did a lot of major soul searching. All of this wasn't about the drinking, and this is something I will post about later.
I still drank... I gave up smoking... I still drank...
At Christmas 2013 my parents were over, we all drank pretty much all of the time, in front of the kids... We were all hungover on Christmas morning. I always swore I wouldn't do that...
On Boxing day they left, I had had alcohol induced insomnia for 2 days, my kidneys ached, I was depressed exhausted and OVER it... The cycle of drinking, regret, self abuse had to stop.
I was searching on the web and found SOBERISTAS and it saved me.
I read about women just like me
Women who had done, what I had dreamed about.
Women being open and sharing their stories
Women encouraging others.
I went down stairs and told my husband that I wanted to stop for good. This time with the resolve in my tear filled eyes and he believed me.
In February I felt 'cured' I believed I could go back to occasional drinking...
By March I realised that you can always find an excuse for a drink. So I had to stop for good.

What is better about life Alcohol Free?
Being in control - Having more fun - Trusting yourself - Being healthy - Being optimistic - Making plans - Feeling proud of yourself - Being an example to your children - Never feeling hungover - Enjoying every hour of your weekend - Sober sleep and sober sex ;-)

This checklist really helped me decide that life alcohol free was what I needed (Thanks again to soberistas) and the writer Liz Hemingway.

Please read the following link...

DO YOU REALLY HAVE A DRINK PROBLEM?

TOTALLY CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES | Recipes | Nigella Lawson

TOTALLY CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES | Recipes | Nigella Lawson

These are probably the BEST cookies I have ever made. YOU MUST EAT THEM!!!

People power!!!

JULIEN BLANC - get out and stay out!
This person in the press really got to me over the past week. I am hugely concerned with the place of women in society. That people like this are out there... ridiculing women, debasing women, making us an object for men to 'have' - being reduced to a conquest as part of his 'game' I find absolutely disgusting. I was equally appalled by Dapper Laughs, I can't even begin to explain how foul that show was and how disappointing it is that in modern day society major TV stations would allow that on our screens. What I was happy with was the new movement of online people power!! The people spoke and the authorities listened. I don't know about you but I signed the petition to ban Julien Blanc from the UK and it worked!!! Over 150,000 signatures later Visa denied
This maybe a small achievement in terms of worldwide progression for equality and the safety of women, but it did make me smile - we won :-)

Let's start at the very beginning...

There comes a time in life when you're are faced with some major choices. Do I continue to live my life as I have been? Do I keep surviving? Or do I start living?

These are linked to some majors questions...

Do I have the strength to change? Do I want to change? Do I like who I am? Will I ever like who I am? Who am I supposed to be? What do I want to be? Am I a good person? Am I bringing up my kids the best way? Am I doing the best I can to be the best I can be? What do I think about this world I live in? Do I feel safe? Do I feel equal to others?

I don't think I am alone in asking these questions, and I don't think I am alone in striving to find the answers...

Why write a blog?
- Because I like sharing... one might say I 'overshare' word of the year 2014 - (how sad) I do know I do, but I find interesting stuff!!! So yes less social networks... More independent thought!
- Because social media used in the right way can impact on people's lives - it certainly has mine, and I 100% would not be the person I am now if I hadn't found certain blogs and forums.
- Because there's some WONDERFUL stuff happening and some AWFUL stuff happening and this is my way of bringing all of that together in one place.
- Because I am what they (who's they?) I mean I call a 'survivor' a recovering heavy, habitual drinker, a sufferer of depression, a victim of a sexual assault who finally (maybe) has accepted it and forgiven herself and perhaps I could just maybe help someone, somewhere or make someone think by being honest and frank about my experiences.
- Because I am a mother and a wife and a PERSON - with interests, with woes, with recipes - well with other peoples recipes... and ideas.

So in attempting to answer these questions, for myself. I hope to help you to question yourselves to be the best versions of the person you want to be - your true self...By this I don't necessarily mean change, though for me it has included some major changes... It could simply be trusting in yourself and being confident and at ease - CONTENT (who doesn't want that????) With the person you are.

So we as individuals can bring up our kids to be kind, strong, independent loving people - who are tolerant and open, by respecting ourselves and accepting ourselves, we can do our own little bit to making life happier for everyone...


Also did I mention cake recipes? That's the best bit!!