Do I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol?

I think as a rule of thumb, if you're asking yourself this question - the answer is probably yes.

Whether this revulsion in your own behavior, your understanding and fear of your capabilities leads you to change, can, I think be due to many factors.

Your will, your belief, your support system and acceptance.

I tried to moderate/stop drinking for 4 years before I managed it on the 23rd of March 2014 and not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips since then. How did I manage it? What made the change? I can absolutely hand on heart say that it was finding the website www.soberistas.com . Why was this so life changing? Because I realised I wasn't alone...

To give a brief background of my journey to heavy drinking - and my decision to stop completely - It is a pretty complex story, so I will talk about it further in future posts...
The real catalyst I suppose was the transition from individual to parent. As a young person I was you might say 'fairly wild' or a 'hedonist'. Then at the age of 26 I became a parent and was living in France away from home. Then at 28 I had two children under 2... Then at 30 I had two toddlers, three jobs and a husband who worked away. To compensate with the sheer weight of my day to day life. I started using drink as a comfort. I drank when I was happy, I drank when I was sad. I drank when I was lonely and when I finally left the house to socialise. I was trying to claw back my independence. I was drowning quite literally and I couldn't cope.
By 32 I was smoking heavily again, I was drinking every night - and if I wasn't drinking I was trying not to drink. I would black out, I would wake up and bolt up the stairs to check the children were ok... I would tell myself over and over again that I needed to give up, that I couldn't moderate. That giving up was the only solution - but socially... how could I take the one thing away that I felt defined me???
My family drinks, my husband drinks, I live in France, my friends at home and here are drinkers, I felt isolated enough, I couldn't stop...
In September 2012 I had a severe panic attack. My body was wrecked, I didn't sleep anymore I passed out, I had a full on job, two kids, a husband who loves to drink... I was on the verge of losing it all. The clinical term is BURNOUT.
It took between then and now to put the pieces back together, I started CBT counselling. I did a lot of major soul searching. All of this wasn't about the drinking, and this is something I will post about later.
I still drank... I gave up smoking... I still drank...
At Christmas 2013 my parents were over, we all drank pretty much all of the time, in front of the kids... We were all hungover on Christmas morning. I always swore I wouldn't do that...
On Boxing day they left, I had had alcohol induced insomnia for 2 days, my kidneys ached, I was depressed exhausted and OVER it... The cycle of drinking, regret, self abuse had to stop.
I was searching on the web and found SOBERISTAS and it saved me.
I read about women just like me
Women who had done, what I had dreamed about.
Women being open and sharing their stories
Women encouraging others.
I went down stairs and told my husband that I wanted to stop for good. This time with the resolve in my tear filled eyes and he believed me.
In February I felt 'cured' I believed I could go back to occasional drinking...
By March I realised that you can always find an excuse for a drink. So I had to stop for good.

What is better about life Alcohol Free?
Being in control - Having more fun - Trusting yourself - Being healthy - Being optimistic - Making plans - Feeling proud of yourself - Being an example to your children - Never feeling hungover - Enjoying every hour of your weekend - Sober sleep and sober sex ;-)

This checklist really helped me decide that life alcohol free was what I needed (Thanks again to soberistas) and the writer Liz Hemingway.

Please read the following link...

DO YOU REALLY HAVE A DRINK PROBLEM?

TOTALLY CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES | Recipes | Nigella Lawson

TOTALLY CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES | Recipes | Nigella Lawson

These are probably the BEST cookies I have ever made. YOU MUST EAT THEM!!!

People power!!!

JULIEN BLANC - get out and stay out!
This person in the press really got to me over the past week. I am hugely concerned with the place of women in society. That people like this are out there... ridiculing women, debasing women, making us an object for men to 'have' - being reduced to a conquest as part of his 'game' I find absolutely disgusting. I was equally appalled by Dapper Laughs, I can't even begin to explain how foul that show was and how disappointing it is that in modern day society major TV stations would allow that on our screens. What I was happy with was the new movement of online people power!! The people spoke and the authorities listened. I don't know about you but I signed the petition to ban Julien Blanc from the UK and it worked!!! Over 150,000 signatures later Visa denied
This maybe a small achievement in terms of worldwide progression for equality and the safety of women, but it did make me smile - we won :-)

Let's start at the very beginning...

There comes a time in life when you're are faced with some major choices. Do I continue to live my life as I have been? Do I keep surviving? Or do I start living?

These are linked to some majors questions...

Do I have the strength to change? Do I want to change? Do I like who I am? Will I ever like who I am? Who am I supposed to be? What do I want to be? Am I a good person? Am I bringing up my kids the best way? Am I doing the best I can to be the best I can be? What do I think about this world I live in? Do I feel safe? Do I feel equal to others?

I don't think I am alone in asking these questions, and I don't think I am alone in striving to find the answers...

Why write a blog?
- Because I like sharing... one might say I 'overshare' word of the year 2014 - (how sad) I do know I do, but I find interesting stuff!!! So yes less social networks... More independent thought!
- Because social media used in the right way can impact on people's lives - it certainly has mine, and I 100% would not be the person I am now if I hadn't found certain blogs and forums.
- Because there's some WONDERFUL stuff happening and some AWFUL stuff happening and this is my way of bringing all of that together in one place.
- Because I am what they (who's they?) I mean I call a 'survivor' a recovering heavy, habitual drinker, a sufferer of depression, a victim of a sexual assault who finally (maybe) has accepted it and forgiven herself and perhaps I could just maybe help someone, somewhere or make someone think by being honest and frank about my experiences.
- Because I am a mother and a wife and a PERSON - with interests, with woes, with recipes - well with other peoples recipes... and ideas.

So in attempting to answer these questions, for myself. I hope to help you to question yourselves to be the best versions of the person you want to be - your true self...By this I don't necessarily mean change, though for me it has included some major changes... It could simply be trusting in yourself and being confident and at ease - CONTENT (who doesn't want that????) With the person you are.

So we as individuals can bring up our kids to be kind, strong, independent loving people - who are tolerant and open, by respecting ourselves and accepting ourselves, we can do our own little bit to making life happier for everyone...


Also did I mention cake recipes? That's the best bit!!