A year of Soberistas

This time today (2013), I snuck into my room, my body aching (head, heart, kidneys), in a state of extreme fatigue, looking for a way out. I had been trying secretly to control my drinking for years, I had written diary upon diary about how I needed to change. Those nights when I walked the house alone, with insomnia, when I would sob myself to sleep as I couldn't do the one thing that I wanted to do - that I believed would make me better - to stop drinking.
So alone (as who would understand how I felt?) I googled various combinations problem drinking, wanting to stop alcohol, how to tell loved ones you want to stop drinking, I read - I watched videos and somehow I found myself at Lucy's blog, which in turn led me to Soberistas.
I started reading peoples life stories. I started picking up traits of myself in these people. Similar stories, the same pain. I started to understand that I wasn't the only person that felt as I did. I found hope.
Out there were people like me, people who for whatever reason needed to change.
We are all similar, yet profoundly individual. Each journey we have been on - the reasons why we made the choices we have made remain our own. Writing about this has been very therapeutic for me. I have learned so much about myself. I think the biggest lesson I have learnt is to give myself a break. I am person who has had a life, this life I know now is unique in its own way. This life is blessed by incredible friends and family and a lot of love, but this life has also suffered pain, this life also sometimes feels sad and that is a sadness I cannot control. This life is my own, but it deserves to be lived and I deserve to be looked after.
Through reading and sharing my thoughts over this year. It has helped me to reanalyze the person I am and the priorities I have.
Before my life resembled this - in order of importance:

•Escapism/ Self medication - Drinking, Pleasing others/friends - approval from others

•Work

•The children/chores/My husband

•Me

The first therapist I ever saw told me I needed to find 3 hours for myself a week, not only did I laugh in her face. I felt slightly offended how dare I look for time for myself? I didn't deserve that or feel that a mother should...
Now this is the model I am working to:

•The kids/Healthy living

•Me/My husband

•Friends/Family

•Work

I can't say that the balance is always perfect and it's very hard to always find time, but I am really trying. What I have learnt over this year is that I was looking for gratification in the wrong areas, I always have been - but however many times someone tells you that, its something you have to learn. Through other people and through work I believed that I would be 'approved of/and or loved' but where I knew the happiness should have been and would be is through me and my life.
Life throws some pretty hard bombs at us (why does it do that??) And I was beaten I had used all that I had left to try to please others, but I was the one that needed looking after.
I tried to numb the past and the present at the bottom of a bottle, but I needed to fix me.
I am now at the point of trying to unravel where depression starts and dependency ended, where the 'what happened' and the who I am link.
It's a fine tightrope and I have days when I wish I could just be 'normal' and wonder if this AF part of my life is another extreme incarnation of myself. Days where I feel I am looking in on my life and not living it. But this year and being part of Soberistas and now doing my own blog, really help me to understand the process and progress which I am making for myself.
I have learnt to believe that life should be a progression, with different stages and times you complete. You look back on your childhood, but you don't live your childhood now - you look back on youth but that is not the life of a parent. If there is no progression then you're not learning and if you are not learning - then how can you be expected to teach....
I was stuck in a half life between the past and life now, I do truly feel like now I am starting to live again.
Did I mention I'm gonna quit my job and we're going to go and live by the sea? ;-)
I hope that anyone starting out on this site, will benefit as much as I have from reading, interacting and writing x

Am I suffering from depression?

I think this film really sums up living with depression, I love it and it makes me very sad too. Those of us who live with our black dog, know them - love and loathe them. Sometimes feel like they are our only friend and mostly feel that they're an unwelcome guest.
My dog doesn't come to visit very often anymore. The more you accept him the more he doesn't feel he has to hang around you.

I really hope anyone who has ever felt any of these feelings, seeks help, speaks out. It can get better. I have been in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy since September 2012 and have also been taking anti-depressants since then. I have nearly finished with the drugs and am slowly lowering my dose and should be done by January (WOOHOO Well done me!)
But please don't suffer or be afraid to take anti-depressants. My advice - make sure you trust your doctor 100% - ask about his/her long term strategy, how long will you take them for? What are they for? How will they affect you?
The side effect for me has been low blood pressure, and fatigue, but I really strongly believe that I wouldn't have made such progress is such a relatively short period time if I hadn't had the combination of drugs and therapy.

Whatever you're feeling is a real feeling, and you deserve help. Therapy doesn't have to be about dragging up the past, which is what I feared. CBT is very proactive, it's about the behavior you have now and trying to analyse why and where that behavior is coming from. When you can understand why you do things you can learn to move past them.

My doctor described anti-depressants as building a bridge across the descent into depression. It isn't the full solution, but can help you from going so low you can't find the strength to climb your way back up.
I love my doctor :-) He's a very wise man!

Feeling the love...

Apologies for my tardiness, I have been sick with the flu and I am just about feeling halfway human now.

So what love am I feeling? Just that little bit of Parenthood love - that sometimes just smacks you right in the chops and makes you just feel - sigh - this is all worth it.

As any parent will tell you, it's one of the hardest jobs in the world being a Mum/Dad. There are ALOT of hard days - thankless work, timeless arguments, battles and dramas (and it's only just begun).

I think when you have a moment to breathe and to face those challenges and analyse what they bring to you as a person. What they add to you, in your one life on this earth. It's pretty damn amazing. I know I am 100% a better person for being a parent. Your capacity to change, to adapt, to love and to be selfless is quite remarkable. The fact of being a parent stretches you and your being in so many different ways... You become a bigger person.

I have seen this with my husband, his childhood was not terrible, but it was fairly soulless there wasn't a lot of love floating about for the taking. Being a father has enabled him to develop his capacity to love... To build confidence, to impress - to be loved. It's really quite wonderful. This morning my highly emotional son raced down the stairs to see his dad, forgetting that he was away for work and it crushed him. The physical disappointment of the single most important man in his life not being there was evident... I sent my husband a text to tell him, so he wrote a wonderful loving message back, which made my son cry even more... So he phoned Papa and proceeded to lambast him down the phone, for leaving and not telling him before.
This crushed my husband, as he had forgotten to tell him he was going... ALL THESE EMOTIONS FROM THESE BIG STRONG BOYS.

Last night as I went to tuck my son in. Fast asleep he wrapped his arms around my neck and whispered I love you mummy.... My heart leapt!!!

I think it's important to write this down - so I will remember. What is the point if we only remember the bad stuff?? How I am trying to live my life for the better, is so I DO remember these moments.

My most fabulous daughter turned 8 last week. We took her up the Eiffel Tower at the weekend at night. She said one of her dreams had come true... Score!!! Top parenting!!

Yes there have been moments over the weekend I could have done better, explained better, enjoyed more, stressed less... But it is SO important to allow yourself some parental praise. Some parental joy. It's not bloody easy, you don't always make the right choices, but even the bad bits can have good sides if you grow from the experience because you have learned from it.

This song was on my ipod (I know old school!) this morning and it sums up the mood of this piece - ENJOY x

AM I TOO OLD FOR SPARKLY HOT PANTS?

If you're asking yourself this question, the answer is probably yes...

But what the hell I am going to wear them anyway!

I bought these little beauties on a whim yesterday, as I am going on a rare night out.

Nights out for a while there were a bit of a no no and I must say I am very excited... Maybe a 34 year old mum shouldn't wear these??? But one of the upsides of being Alcohol Free is I have lost a stone of weight - so why not I say... 

So how is going out drinking when not drinking? It's actually pretty good, I have a bit of a ritual in terms of what I drink. I start with a virgin mary and then switch between virgin mojitos and sparkling water. I do find that soft drinks get really boring really quickly. I might have a coke, but I can only drink the one.

The only other major difference is tiredness - there is a moment when conversations gets a tad too repetitive and that my energy just wains - but that's the best bit as then I say my goodbyes and head home as a rule of thumb it is after this moment when people won't remember anything the next morning anyway! (I certainly wouldn't have!)

So should women wear sparkly hot pants? From an age point of view perhaps this is a questionable decision - I am dressing them down with flat boots and a cardie ;-/

Part of me wonders if I am setting myself up for unwanted attention... Well you know what some men are like, clearly if I am wearing these I am sending them a signal that I want them to talk to me and to try to seduce me, I want them to make inappropriate comments. If I am wearing these I am gagging for it... (Plus as I am in my 30's - surely that means I am even more gagging for it)

This is an unfortunate situation, as I want to be silly and wear sparkly hot pants for no other reason than I think they are AMAZING!

So all I can say is long live impulse buys - bugger off annoying men and leave me and my pants to have fun with my friends! x

Do I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol?

I think as a rule of thumb, if you're asking yourself this question - the answer is probably yes.

Whether this revulsion in your own behavior, your understanding and fear of your capabilities leads you to change, can, I think be due to many factors.

Your will, your belief, your support system and acceptance.

I tried to moderate/stop drinking for 4 years before I managed it on the 23rd of March 2014 and not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips since then. How did I manage it? What made the change? I can absolutely hand on heart say that it was finding the website www.soberistas.com . Why was this so life changing? Because I realised I wasn't alone...

To give a brief background of my journey to heavy drinking - and my decision to stop completely - It is a pretty complex story, so I will talk about it further in future posts...
The real catalyst I suppose was the transition from individual to parent. As a young person I was you might say 'fairly wild' or a 'hedonist'. Then at the age of 26 I became a parent and was living in France away from home. Then at 28 I had two children under 2... Then at 30 I had two toddlers, three jobs and a husband who worked away. To compensate with the sheer weight of my day to day life. I started using drink as a comfort. I drank when I was happy, I drank when I was sad. I drank when I was lonely and when I finally left the house to socialise. I was trying to claw back my independence. I was drowning quite literally and I couldn't cope.
By 32 I was smoking heavily again, I was drinking every night - and if I wasn't drinking I was trying not to drink. I would black out, I would wake up and bolt up the stairs to check the children were ok... I would tell myself over and over again that I needed to give up, that I couldn't moderate. That giving up was the only solution - but socially... how could I take the one thing away that I felt defined me???
My family drinks, my husband drinks, I live in France, my friends at home and here are drinkers, I felt isolated enough, I couldn't stop...
In September 2012 I had a severe panic attack. My body was wrecked, I didn't sleep anymore I passed out, I had a full on job, two kids, a husband who loves to drink... I was on the verge of losing it all. The clinical term is BURNOUT.
It took between then and now to put the pieces back together, I started CBT counselling. I did a lot of major soul searching. All of this wasn't about the drinking, and this is something I will post about later.
I still drank... I gave up smoking... I still drank...
At Christmas 2013 my parents were over, we all drank pretty much all of the time, in front of the kids... We were all hungover on Christmas morning. I always swore I wouldn't do that...
On Boxing day they left, I had had alcohol induced insomnia for 2 days, my kidneys ached, I was depressed exhausted and OVER it... The cycle of drinking, regret, self abuse had to stop.
I was searching on the web and found SOBERISTAS and it saved me.
I read about women just like me
Women who had done, what I had dreamed about.
Women being open and sharing their stories
Women encouraging others.
I went down stairs and told my husband that I wanted to stop for good. This time with the resolve in my tear filled eyes and he believed me.
In February I felt 'cured' I believed I could go back to occasional drinking...
By March I realised that you can always find an excuse for a drink. So I had to stop for good.

What is better about life Alcohol Free?
Being in control - Having more fun - Trusting yourself - Being healthy - Being optimistic - Making plans - Feeling proud of yourself - Being an example to your children - Never feeling hungover - Enjoying every hour of your weekend - Sober sleep and sober sex ;-)

This checklist really helped me decide that life alcohol free was what I needed (Thanks again to soberistas) and the writer Liz Hemingway.

Please read the following link...

DO YOU REALLY HAVE A DRINK PROBLEM?

People power!!!

JULIEN BLANC - get out and stay out!
This person in the press really got to me over the past week. I am hugely concerned with the place of women in society. That people like this are out there... ridiculing women, debasing women, making us an object for men to 'have' - being reduced to a conquest as part of his 'game' I find absolutely disgusting. I was equally appalled by Dapper Laughs, I can't even begin to explain how foul that show was and how disappointing it is that in modern day society major TV stations would allow that on our screens. What I was happy with was the new movement of online people power!! The people spoke and the authorities listened. I don't know about you but I signed the petition to ban Julien Blanc from the UK and it worked!!! Over 150,000 signatures later Visa denied
This maybe a small achievement in terms of worldwide progression for equality and the safety of women, but it did make me smile - we won :-)

Let's start at the very beginning...

There comes a time in life when you're are faced with some major choices. Do I continue to live my life as I have been? Do I keep surviving? Or do I start living?

These are linked to some majors questions...

Do I have the strength to change? Do I want to change? Do I like who I am? Will I ever like who I am? Who am I supposed to be? What do I want to be? Am I a good person? Am I bringing up my kids the best way? Am I doing the best I can to be the best I can be? What do I think about this world I live in? Do I feel safe? Do I feel equal to others?

I don't think I am alone in asking these questions, and I don't think I am alone in striving to find the answers...

Why write a blog?
- Because I like sharing... one might say I 'overshare' word of the year 2014 - (how sad) I do know I do, but I find interesting stuff!!! So yes less social networks... More independent thought!
- Because social media used in the right way can impact on people's lives - it certainly has mine, and I 100% would not be the person I am now if I hadn't found certain blogs and forums.
- Because there's some WONDERFUL stuff happening and some AWFUL stuff happening and this is my way of bringing all of that together in one place.
- Because I am what they (who's they?) I mean I call a 'survivor' a recovering heavy, habitual drinker, a sufferer of depression, a victim of a sexual assault who finally (maybe) has accepted it and forgiven herself and perhaps I could just maybe help someone, somewhere or make someone think by being honest and frank about my experiences.
- Because I am a mother and a wife and a PERSON - with interests, with woes, with recipes - well with other peoples recipes... and ideas.

So in attempting to answer these questions, for myself. I hope to help you to question yourselves to be the best versions of the person you want to be - your true self...By this I don't necessarily mean change, though for me it has included some major changes... It could simply be trusting in yourself and being confident and at ease - CONTENT (who doesn't want that????) With the person you are.

So we as individuals can bring up our kids to be kind, strong, independent loving people - who are tolerant and open, by respecting ourselves and accepting ourselves, we can do our own little bit to making life happier for everyone...


Also did I mention cake recipes? That's the best bit!!