A year of Soberistas

This time today (2013), I snuck into my room, my body aching (head, heart, kidneys), in a state of extreme fatigue, looking for a way out. I had been trying secretly to control my drinking for years, I had written diary upon diary about how I needed to change. Those nights when I walked the house alone, with insomnia, when I would sob myself to sleep as I couldn't do the one thing that I wanted to do - that I believed would make me better - to stop drinking.
So alone (as who would understand how I felt?) I googled various combinations problem drinking, wanting to stop alcohol, how to tell loved ones you want to stop drinking, I read - I watched videos and somehow I found myself at Lucy's blog, which in turn led me to Soberistas.
I started reading peoples life stories. I started picking up traits of myself in these people. Similar stories, the same pain. I started to understand that I wasn't the only person that felt as I did. I found hope.
Out there were people like me, people who for whatever reason needed to change.
We are all similar, yet profoundly individual. Each journey we have been on - the reasons why we made the choices we have made remain our own. Writing about this has been very therapeutic for me. I have learned so much about myself. I think the biggest lesson I have learnt is to give myself a break. I am person who has had a life, this life I know now is unique in its own way. This life is blessed by incredible friends and family and a lot of love, but this life has also suffered pain, this life also sometimes feels sad and that is a sadness I cannot control. This life is my own, but it deserves to be lived and I deserve to be looked after.
Through reading and sharing my thoughts over this year. It has helped me to reanalyze the person I am and the priorities I have.
Before my life resembled this - in order of importance:

•Escapism/ Self medication - Drinking, Pleasing others/friends - approval from others

•Work

•The children/chores/My husband

•Me

The first therapist I ever saw told me I needed to find 3 hours for myself a week, not only did I laugh in her face. I felt slightly offended how dare I look for time for myself? I didn't deserve that or feel that a mother should...
Now this is the model I am working to:

•The kids/Healthy living

•Me/My husband

•Friends/Family

•Work

I can't say that the balance is always perfect and it's very hard to always find time, but I am really trying. What I have learnt over this year is that I was looking for gratification in the wrong areas, I always have been - but however many times someone tells you that, its something you have to learn. Through other people and through work I believed that I would be 'approved of/and or loved' but where I knew the happiness should have been and would be is through me and my life.
Life throws some pretty hard bombs at us (why does it do that??) And I was beaten I had used all that I had left to try to please others, but I was the one that needed looking after.
I tried to numb the past and the present at the bottom of a bottle, but I needed to fix me.
I am now at the point of trying to unravel where depression starts and dependency ended, where the 'what happened' and the who I am link.
It's a fine tightrope and I have days when I wish I could just be 'normal' and wonder if this AF part of my life is another extreme incarnation of myself. Days where I feel I am looking in on my life and not living it. But this year and being part of Soberistas and now doing my own blog, really help me to understand the process and progress which I am making for myself.
I have learnt to believe that life should be a progression, with different stages and times you complete. You look back on your childhood, but you don't live your childhood now - you look back on youth but that is not the life of a parent. If there is no progression then you're not learning and if you are not learning - then how can you be expected to teach....
I was stuck in a half life between the past and life now, I do truly feel like now I am starting to live again.
Did I mention I'm gonna quit my job and we're going to go and live by the sea? ;-)
I hope that anyone starting out on this site, will benefit as much as I have from reading, interacting and writing x

Am I suffering from depression?

I think this film really sums up living with depression, I love it and it makes me very sad too. Those of us who live with our black dog, know them - love and loathe them. Sometimes feel like they are our only friend and mostly feel that they're an unwelcome guest.
My dog doesn't come to visit very often anymore. The more you accept him the more he doesn't feel he has to hang around you.

I really hope anyone who has ever felt any of these feelings, seeks help, speaks out. It can get better. I have been in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy since September 2012 and have also been taking anti-depressants since then. I have nearly finished with the drugs and am slowly lowering my dose and should be done by January (WOOHOO Well done me!)
But please don't suffer or be afraid to take anti-depressants. My advice - make sure you trust your doctor 100% - ask about his/her long term strategy, how long will you take them for? What are they for? How will they affect you?
The side effect for me has been low blood pressure, and fatigue, but I really strongly believe that I wouldn't have made such progress is such a relatively short period time if I hadn't had the combination of drugs and therapy.

Whatever you're feeling is a real feeling, and you deserve help. Therapy doesn't have to be about dragging up the past, which is what I feared. CBT is very proactive, it's about the behavior you have now and trying to analyse why and where that behavior is coming from. When you can understand why you do things you can learn to move past them.

My doctor described anti-depressants as building a bridge across the descent into depression. It isn't the full solution, but can help you from going so low you can't find the strength to climb your way back up.
I love my doctor :-) He's a very wise man!

Should you really have a drink tonight?

In reading my story about my problem drinking, perhaps you saw some part of yourself in that post. Or perhaps not at all... Or perhaps you thought... hmmm maybe, but I am not that bad. I was not that bad for a long long time, and even when I was bad I would have times when I would be not be that bad either. The problem with problem drinking is it doesn't always pose itself as a problem...

So as I was thinking about my meeting tomorrow, a staff meeting with 85 colleagues, with a lot of strong characters and generally a lot of petty arguments which lasts far too long and for no good reason. As I coordinate the programme for students which is taught by 12 teachers, it means that I feel a fair amount of pressure and spotlight, none of which I enjoy particularly.

Now this leads me to remember this time last year, or the year before (which was even worse) and remember the state that I was in to face this situation. Knowing how horrible these meetings are - what would I do? Have ATLEAST half a bottle of wine, to take the edge off the anxiety the night before... Even though I knew that when I drink I don't sleep well, but the idea that a drink would help, was so much stronger than the idea of the consequences which would prevail.  You can always convince yourself that this time it would be different...
Dealing with this meeting hungover/sleep deprived - added to the stress and anxiety - lessened my effectiveness to deal with criticism and made me less patient... Yet I repeated this pattern over and over again.

I remembered this also at the weekend when we took the kids to Paris, I was pretty ill and miserable and premenstral, if I had drank the night before would my stress levels have been worse or better??? Without a doubt - Much worse!!

So should you drink:
The night before you go on holiday? NO 
The night before you have guests to stay? NO
The night before a kids party? ABSOLUTELY NOT
The night before Christmas? NO!!!!
The night before an exam? Nup
The night before you have to work the next day? Nope
The night before you want to have a nice day with your kids? NOT EITHER...
The night after the hellish day with the kids/husband/work/family - NO... It will only make the day after even worse!!!

So unless you never suffer from hangovers - unless you never ever feel tired after a night of drinking alcohol - unless you just drink one glass and that never induces massive amounts of will power to not drink another...
Then you should probably think about what alcohol means to you...
You're not an alcoholic - that is a BIG word, but perhaps you use alcohol in an inappropriate and unhelpful way.

Hangovers and good parenting NEVER mix

X

Let's start at the very beginning...

There comes a time in life when you're are faced with some major choices. Do I continue to live my life as I have been? Do I keep surviving? Or do I start living?

These are linked to some majors questions...

Do I have the strength to change? Do I want to change? Do I like who I am? Will I ever like who I am? Who am I supposed to be? What do I want to be? Am I a good person? Am I bringing up my kids the best way? Am I doing the best I can to be the best I can be? What do I think about this world I live in? Do I feel safe? Do I feel equal to others?

I don't think I am alone in asking these questions, and I don't think I am alone in striving to find the answers...

Why write a blog?
- Because I like sharing... one might say I 'overshare' word of the year 2014 - (how sad) I do know I do, but I find interesting stuff!!! So yes less social networks... More independent thought!
- Because social media used in the right way can impact on people's lives - it certainly has mine, and I 100% would not be the person I am now if I hadn't found certain blogs and forums.
- Because there's some WONDERFUL stuff happening and some AWFUL stuff happening and this is my way of bringing all of that together in one place.
- Because I am what they (who's they?) I mean I call a 'survivor' a recovering heavy, habitual drinker, a sufferer of depression, a victim of a sexual assault who finally (maybe) has accepted it and forgiven herself and perhaps I could just maybe help someone, somewhere or make someone think by being honest and frank about my experiences.
- Because I am a mother and a wife and a PERSON - with interests, with woes, with recipes - well with other peoples recipes... and ideas.

So in attempting to answer these questions, for myself. I hope to help you to question yourselves to be the best versions of the person you want to be - your true self...By this I don't necessarily mean change, though for me it has included some major changes... It could simply be trusting in yourself and being confident and at ease - CONTENT (who doesn't want that????) With the person you are.

So we as individuals can bring up our kids to be kind, strong, independent loving people - who are tolerant and open, by respecting ourselves and accepting ourselves, we can do our own little bit to making life happier for everyone...


Also did I mention cake recipes? That's the best bit!!