Should Feminist's wear nail varnish?

Make-up, nail varnish and girlieness was not really something that I really grew up with.

I think this is due to two main reasons:

The main and most important reason is that my parents wanted me to grow up equal. They believed that instilling in me feminist ethics was very important. I can remember reciting the names of the Pankhurst sisters (Emmeline, Christabel and Sylvia) with my dad, and him buying me books about Boadecia and Joan of Arc. He also bought me the independent Women CD for my birthday :-) haha
They wanted me to be strong, to believe in my opinions and to fight to have the same opportunities as others. They wanted me to be happy as the person I was and the person that I am.

I am forever grateful for this - It didn't always serve me well,  and perhaps they were too extreme (?) I haven't always been everyone's cup of tea, perhaps TOO outspoken, perhaps not the most popular girl to date... But over the years I have learnt even from those boys that I SO desperately wanted to like me, that it wasn't because I wasn't pretty, It was because I wasn't easy - If they had dated me, it was a big deal... That they are so glad that they didn't as we have a true and solid friendship as equals (So that is a pretty good outcome to that teenage anguish!)

There is another reason why I didn't grow up a girlie girl and this is a lot to do with my wonderful, but sadly very unconfident Mum. What is SO wonderful in becoming an adult and a parent myself is to have that deeper understanding about your life, and to view your parents as people - not just parents. My Mum is quite cuddly and round and her way to deal with this is not to try and change - but to try and love herself as she is (Well done her!) My Mum is an only child and her Mum was very ill during her teenage life, so she missed that girlie moment... She didn't have many friends...
Perhaps more than that, she just doesn't want to care. She likes to look nice, she likes jewelry and clothes, but make up and hair and nails (preening can we call it???) That is not something we have ever shared.

Now this brings me to now, a mother with a daughter now 8, and I must say sometimes I feel a bit lost. Through the experience of quite an austere upbringing in terms of physical appearance and my learnt experience through friends and my life now in France that taking care of yourself and your appearance can be fun and can make you feel better... what message should I be sending my daughter?

She was given a 'make up set' for her birthday by her Aunt which I took an immediate dislike to - It was Disney, with various shades of red and pink lip gloss and nail varnish. M was very excited by this and kept on carrying it around and asking me if she could put it on. This brought up so much inner rage, every time I saw it, I just wanted to throw it out of the window - which made me realize that I clearly had to deal with some underlying issue, which I (not her) needed to deal with. What am I so worried about? That if she wears nail polish this is going to spiral into self loathing and anorexia? That this will put her looks before her brain and let people abuse her? Not take her seriously...
Of course I was overreacting. I think whenever I am faced with something new as a parent, something I cannot control or don't have an answer to - I tend to feel attacked - so I feel the need to defend myself with anger... (This is something I have learnt from CBT)

So I just rode it out, with the mantra, it's just nail polish - you wear nail polish, strong independent women can take care of themselves. You can do both - as long as it is for you and you are not hiding yourself behind an image... it's ok. Telling myself over and over what will be will be, she has to be her own person, she has to explore, she has to find her own personality.

So she put on nail varnish and after a day wanted to take it off as it had chipped and wasn't perfect. She put on lip gloss (as did my son) Then she decided that the box was perfect to pretend to be a school for her Sylvanian Families and emptied all the make up into a drawer and I don't think has touched it since...

Of course this is not the end and only the beginning of 'growing up' but it was quite an interesting outcome.

Yes I will still favor purple/blue clothes over pink for her, and yes I probably will also buy her books about amazing women, and teach her about Women's Suffrage... but in the end her being girlie has nothing to do with this - her 'image' is self expression and she will be who she wants to be and the less resistance I show the less she will (hopefully) show in return.

I think what I have to remember is that strong independent women do what the f*** they want without feeling the barriers of a male dominated world. So I should just hope she'll does that...

AM I TOO OLD FOR SPARKLY HOT PANTS?

If you're asking yourself this question, the answer is probably yes...

But what the hell I am going to wear them anyway!

I bought these little beauties on a whim yesterday, as I am going on a rare night out.

Nights out for a while there were a bit of a no no and I must say I am very excited... Maybe a 34 year old mum shouldn't wear these??? But one of the upsides of being Alcohol Free is I have lost a stone of weight - so why not I say... 

So how is going out drinking when not drinking? It's actually pretty good, I have a bit of a ritual in terms of what I drink. I start with a virgin mary and then switch between virgin mojitos and sparkling water. I do find that soft drinks get really boring really quickly. I might have a coke, but I can only drink the one.

The only other major difference is tiredness - there is a moment when conversations gets a tad too repetitive and that my energy just wains - but that's the best bit as then I say my goodbyes and head home as a rule of thumb it is after this moment when people won't remember anything the next morning anyway! (I certainly wouldn't have!)

So should women wear sparkly hot pants? From an age point of view perhaps this is a questionable decision - I am dressing them down with flat boots and a cardie ;-/

Part of me wonders if I am setting myself up for unwanted attention... Well you know what some men are like, clearly if I am wearing these I am sending them a signal that I want them to talk to me and to try to seduce me, I want them to make inappropriate comments. If I am wearing these I am gagging for it... (Plus as I am in my 30's - surely that means I am even more gagging for it)

This is an unfortunate situation, as I want to be silly and wear sparkly hot pants for no other reason than I think they are AMAZING!

So all I can say is long live impulse buys - bugger off annoying men and leave me and my pants to have fun with my friends! x

HAZING... The debate

Working in a University I cannot help worry about the students safety. I know that making mistakes is part of growing up, and by god I have made some. But is it all really a bit out of control??

Is it a necessary element in our evolution as individuals to test ourselves and our limitations? As parents, should we, can we protect our children from the stupidity that youth can bring?

I have been having a long running debate with my students about the 'integration' weekend or hazing event.

The Wiki definition for Hazing is  
'Hazing is the practice of rituals and other activities involving harassment, abuse or humiliation used as a way of initiating a person into a group. Hazing is seen in many different types of social groups, including gangs, sports teams, schools, military units, and fraternities and sororities. Hazing is often prohibited by law and may comprise either physical or psychological abuse. It may also include nudity and/or sexually based offenses.'

Now that doesn't sound like something you want your kids to be doing right?

Now the student's argument is that what they do is not that extreme - that it's harmless fun and it's what the students want, what they ask for...
I have had some questions for them
1. How can they ever trust the limits of people under the influence of alcohol?
2.  How can they justify humiliating each other, taunting each other? Bullying each other?
3. Why would they want to be part of this?

In response to this they try to distance themselves from the bad press of fraternities/sororities and the terrible stories that have come out recently...
I hit them with statistics such as Frat boys are 300% more likely to rape and 1 in 5 women is sexually assaulted in campus The Guardian - September 24th 
They respond again... This is not us (This argument is all too familiar - It wasn't me - It wasn't us.) or the recent report from the University of Virginia New York Times that's America - not Europe.

I then give them some concrete examples of schools in the City, where one boy last year died as he fell out of a window with his feet and his hands bound and HUGE amounts of alcohol in his system. Or a girl from our school who left because she felt so humiliated by what she had done at the integration weekend. The response - We know it's not perfect, but we're responding to a demand. The student's want to be hazed, they love it.

I guess this comes back to the root of the problem, what is going on with our society if this is what our kids want??? Should we as parent's or teacher's be trying to stop these practices?

For me the fundamental issue is this idea that to be part of the gang you have to prove yourself. You have to humiliate yourself to be integrated. This is what surely we should be teaching kids to avoid?
However 'light' the punishment is... for example at our school the students are not allowed to sleep for 24 hours, and if they do they have sheep hearts or dead octopuses smeared in their face - harmless fun :-/
They say that students don't have to go on the integration weekend it is their choice, but if you don't you're directly on the outside of the cool kids - If you go and don't join in - Again you're not included. (Plus they sold 1,000 tickets in under 1hour... so the demand is very high!)
It's not those who are strong and in charge that will suffer, it's those that are weak and vulnerable who will. 

They're away from home, they want to be accepted and liked, to me it seems completely logical that people will do things that they know are wrong, or dangerous or hurtful - Adding to that sleep deprivation and being plastered with alcohol - surely, surely it is a recipe for disaster?

When I asked them this question, were they really sure that there wasn't one person who felt uncomfortable? There wasn't one person who felt it went too far? There wasn't one person who felt pressurized to do something they didn't want to? None of them could convince me. They are extremely loyal to their school - Which is why so often these things are covered up. (University of Virginia...) But I could tell at least 4/5 students in each group agreed with me,  But why would they speak up against their peers??

To end this post I am still questioning my involvement in this debate. As a parent I know I cannot control what my kids do, and I shouldn't. I know through making mistakes and through hardship we learn and develop as people. I know I cannot shelter them from the world (really can't I? It so fun inside?? Yesterday we made pompoms - that's nice and safe...)

The worst part is that I know I was that insecure young person, who did stupid things to impress people, who put myself in dangerous places, who at times was bullied and bullied...
So what can I do so that my kids don't end up like me???

My daughter came home and said one of her 'friends' had said Tu es tetu - we had to look it up in the dictionary as neither of us knew what it meant. The dictionary translation was 'stubborn' or 'headstrong' I told her, you know what M - that isn't such a bad insult to have, better to be headstrong and stick to your beliefs, than to be a follower and just do as your friends tell you.

Phew RebuildingMum 1 - scary world/other kids 0

She's nearly 8 - I AM TERRIFIED of the teenage years...

People power!!!

JULIEN BLANC - get out and stay out!
This person in the press really got to me over the past week. I am hugely concerned with the place of women in society. That people like this are out there... ridiculing women, debasing women, making us an object for men to 'have' - being reduced to a conquest as part of his 'game' I find absolutely disgusting. I was equally appalled by Dapper Laughs, I can't even begin to explain how foul that show was and how disappointing it is that in modern day society major TV stations would allow that on our screens. What I was happy with was the new movement of online people power!! The people spoke and the authorities listened. I don't know about you but I signed the petition to ban Julien Blanc from the UK and it worked!!! Over 150,000 signatures later Visa denied
This maybe a small achievement in terms of worldwide progression for equality and the safety of women, but it did make me smile - we won :-)