A year of Soberistas

This time today (2013), I snuck into my room, my body aching (head, heart, kidneys), in a state of extreme fatigue, looking for a way out. I had been trying secretly to control my drinking for years, I had written diary upon diary about how I needed to change. Those nights when I walked the house alone, with insomnia, when I would sob myself to sleep as I couldn't do the one thing that I wanted to do - that I believed would make me better - to stop drinking.
So alone (as who would understand how I felt?) I googled various combinations problem drinking, wanting to stop alcohol, how to tell loved ones you want to stop drinking, I read - I watched videos and somehow I found myself at Lucy's blog, which in turn led me to Soberistas.
I started reading peoples life stories. I started picking up traits of myself in these people. Similar stories, the same pain. I started to understand that I wasn't the only person that felt as I did. I found hope.
Out there were people like me, people who for whatever reason needed to change.
We are all similar, yet profoundly individual. Each journey we have been on - the reasons why we made the choices we have made remain our own. Writing about this has been very therapeutic for me. I have learned so much about myself. I think the biggest lesson I have learnt is to give myself a break. I am person who has had a life, this life I know now is unique in its own way. This life is blessed by incredible friends and family and a lot of love, but this life has also suffered pain, this life also sometimes feels sad and that is a sadness I cannot control. This life is my own, but it deserves to be lived and I deserve to be looked after.
Through reading and sharing my thoughts over this year. It has helped me to reanalyze the person I am and the priorities I have.
Before my life resembled this - in order of importance:

•Escapism/ Self medication - Drinking, Pleasing others/friends - approval from others

•Work

•The children/chores/My husband

•Me

The first therapist I ever saw told me I needed to find 3 hours for myself a week, not only did I laugh in her face. I felt slightly offended how dare I look for time for myself? I didn't deserve that or feel that a mother should...
Now this is the model I am working to:

•The kids/Healthy living

•Me/My husband

•Friends/Family

•Work

I can't say that the balance is always perfect and it's very hard to always find time, but I am really trying. What I have learnt over this year is that I was looking for gratification in the wrong areas, I always have been - but however many times someone tells you that, its something you have to learn. Through other people and through work I believed that I would be 'approved of/and or loved' but where I knew the happiness should have been and would be is through me and my life.
Life throws some pretty hard bombs at us (why does it do that??) And I was beaten I had used all that I had left to try to please others, but I was the one that needed looking after.
I tried to numb the past and the present at the bottom of a bottle, but I needed to fix me.
I am now at the point of trying to unravel where depression starts and dependency ended, where the 'what happened' and the who I am link.
It's a fine tightrope and I have days when I wish I could just be 'normal' and wonder if this AF part of my life is another extreme incarnation of myself. Days where I feel I am looking in on my life and not living it. But this year and being part of Soberistas and now doing my own blog, really help me to understand the process and progress which I am making for myself.
I have learnt to believe that life should be a progression, with different stages and times you complete. You look back on your childhood, but you don't live your childhood now - you look back on youth but that is not the life of a parent. If there is no progression then you're not learning and if you are not learning - then how can you be expected to teach....
I was stuck in a half life between the past and life now, I do truly feel like now I am starting to live again.
Did I mention I'm gonna quit my job and we're going to go and live by the sea? ;-)
I hope that anyone starting out on this site, will benefit as much as I have from reading, interacting and writing x

Should you really have a drink tonight?

In reading my story about my problem drinking, perhaps you saw some part of yourself in that post. Or perhaps not at all... Or perhaps you thought... hmmm maybe, but I am not that bad. I was not that bad for a long long time, and even when I was bad I would have times when I would be not be that bad either. The problem with problem drinking is it doesn't always pose itself as a problem...

So as I was thinking about my meeting tomorrow, a staff meeting with 85 colleagues, with a lot of strong characters and generally a lot of petty arguments which lasts far too long and for no good reason. As I coordinate the programme for students which is taught by 12 teachers, it means that I feel a fair amount of pressure and spotlight, none of which I enjoy particularly.

Now this leads me to remember this time last year, or the year before (which was even worse) and remember the state that I was in to face this situation. Knowing how horrible these meetings are - what would I do? Have ATLEAST half a bottle of wine, to take the edge off the anxiety the night before... Even though I knew that when I drink I don't sleep well, but the idea that a drink would help, was so much stronger than the idea of the consequences which would prevail.  You can always convince yourself that this time it would be different...
Dealing with this meeting hungover/sleep deprived - added to the stress and anxiety - lessened my effectiveness to deal with criticism and made me less patient... Yet I repeated this pattern over and over again.

I remembered this also at the weekend when we took the kids to Paris, I was pretty ill and miserable and premenstral, if I had drank the night before would my stress levels have been worse or better??? Without a doubt - Much worse!!

So should you drink:
The night before you go on holiday? NO 
The night before you have guests to stay? NO
The night before a kids party? ABSOLUTELY NOT
The night before Christmas? NO!!!!
The night before an exam? Nup
The night before you have to work the next day? Nope
The night before you want to have a nice day with your kids? NOT EITHER...
The night after the hellish day with the kids/husband/work/family - NO... It will only make the day after even worse!!!

So unless you never suffer from hangovers - unless you never ever feel tired after a night of drinking alcohol - unless you just drink one glass and that never induces massive amounts of will power to not drink another...
Then you should probably think about what alcohol means to you...
You're not an alcoholic - that is a BIG word, but perhaps you use alcohol in an inappropriate and unhelpful way.

Hangovers and good parenting NEVER mix

X

AM I TOO OLD FOR SPARKLY HOT PANTS?

If you're asking yourself this question, the answer is probably yes...

But what the hell I am going to wear them anyway!

I bought these little beauties on a whim yesterday, as I am going on a rare night out.

Nights out for a while there were a bit of a no no and I must say I am very excited... Maybe a 34 year old mum shouldn't wear these??? But one of the upsides of being Alcohol Free is I have lost a stone of weight - so why not I say... 

So how is going out drinking when not drinking? It's actually pretty good, I have a bit of a ritual in terms of what I drink. I start with a virgin mary and then switch between virgin mojitos and sparkling water. I do find that soft drinks get really boring really quickly. I might have a coke, but I can only drink the one.

The only other major difference is tiredness - there is a moment when conversations gets a tad too repetitive and that my energy just wains - but that's the best bit as then I say my goodbyes and head home as a rule of thumb it is after this moment when people won't remember anything the next morning anyway! (I certainly wouldn't have!)

So should women wear sparkly hot pants? From an age point of view perhaps this is a questionable decision - I am dressing them down with flat boots and a cardie ;-/

Part of me wonders if I am setting myself up for unwanted attention... Well you know what some men are like, clearly if I am wearing these I am sending them a signal that I want them to talk to me and to try to seduce me, I want them to make inappropriate comments. If I am wearing these I am gagging for it... (Plus as I am in my 30's - surely that means I am even more gagging for it)

This is an unfortunate situation, as I want to be silly and wear sparkly hot pants for no other reason than I think they are AMAZING!

So all I can say is long live impulse buys - bugger off annoying men and leave me and my pants to have fun with my friends! x

Do I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol?

I think as a rule of thumb, if you're asking yourself this question - the answer is probably yes.

Whether this revulsion in your own behavior, your understanding and fear of your capabilities leads you to change, can, I think be due to many factors.

Your will, your belief, your support system and acceptance.

I tried to moderate/stop drinking for 4 years before I managed it on the 23rd of March 2014 and not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips since then. How did I manage it? What made the change? I can absolutely hand on heart say that it was finding the website www.soberistas.com . Why was this so life changing? Because I realised I wasn't alone...

To give a brief background of my journey to heavy drinking - and my decision to stop completely - It is a pretty complex story, so I will talk about it further in future posts...
The real catalyst I suppose was the transition from individual to parent. As a young person I was you might say 'fairly wild' or a 'hedonist'. Then at the age of 26 I became a parent and was living in France away from home. Then at 28 I had two children under 2... Then at 30 I had two toddlers, three jobs and a husband who worked away. To compensate with the sheer weight of my day to day life. I started using drink as a comfort. I drank when I was happy, I drank when I was sad. I drank when I was lonely and when I finally left the house to socialise. I was trying to claw back my independence. I was drowning quite literally and I couldn't cope.
By 32 I was smoking heavily again, I was drinking every night - and if I wasn't drinking I was trying not to drink. I would black out, I would wake up and bolt up the stairs to check the children were ok... I would tell myself over and over again that I needed to give up, that I couldn't moderate. That giving up was the only solution - but socially... how could I take the one thing away that I felt defined me???
My family drinks, my husband drinks, I live in France, my friends at home and here are drinkers, I felt isolated enough, I couldn't stop...
In September 2012 I had a severe panic attack. My body was wrecked, I didn't sleep anymore I passed out, I had a full on job, two kids, a husband who loves to drink... I was on the verge of losing it all. The clinical term is BURNOUT.
It took between then and now to put the pieces back together, I started CBT counselling. I did a lot of major soul searching. All of this wasn't about the drinking, and this is something I will post about later.
I still drank... I gave up smoking... I still drank...
At Christmas 2013 my parents were over, we all drank pretty much all of the time, in front of the kids... We were all hungover on Christmas morning. I always swore I wouldn't do that...
On Boxing day they left, I had had alcohol induced insomnia for 2 days, my kidneys ached, I was depressed exhausted and OVER it... The cycle of drinking, regret, self abuse had to stop.
I was searching on the web and found SOBERISTAS and it saved me.
I read about women just like me
Women who had done, what I had dreamed about.
Women being open and sharing their stories
Women encouraging others.
I went down stairs and told my husband that I wanted to stop for good. This time with the resolve in my tear filled eyes and he believed me.
In February I felt 'cured' I believed I could go back to occasional drinking...
By March I realised that you can always find an excuse for a drink. So I had to stop for good.

What is better about life Alcohol Free?
Being in control - Having more fun - Trusting yourself - Being healthy - Being optimistic - Making plans - Feeling proud of yourself - Being an example to your children - Never feeling hungover - Enjoying every hour of your weekend - Sober sleep and sober sex ;-)

This checklist really helped me decide that life alcohol free was what I needed (Thanks again to soberistas) and the writer Liz Hemingway.

Please read the following link...

DO YOU REALLY HAVE A DRINK PROBLEM?